Last week I talked on my show about miscarriage and the church. Encouragement to our churches to help women and couples who have gone through a miscarriage. It seems to be this silent subject that we even as women just keep tight lipped about but it is a devastating loss and we need to be able to grieve.
Before having Mia I had 2 miscarriages so I understand that loss. The minute a woman finds out she is pregnant we are off and running with all the thoughts and excitement about having a baby. Will it be a boy or girl? What names do we like? How should I decorate the nursery? When I found out I was pregnant the first time I took about 3 tests to make sure because I was just so excited. I really wanted to totally surprise Phil because we had been trying for months and like most people we thought it would happen right away. I snuck to the doctors office for a blood test and had to wait until the next day for the result and I was just busting to tell Phil but I wanted that 100% answer. When I got the yes I went and bought a baby bib that said "I love daddy". That night at dinner I handed to Phil. We both just burst into tears and laughing and hugging. We called both our parents to tell them the news and we told a few close friends and kept it at that for now. Even thought you never think a miscarriage is going to happen to you in your mind you still want to wait until you get to the "safe zone" before you start shouting from the roof tops.
A few weeks into the pregnancy I started to have complications and spotting. The helpless part of this is that your pregnancy is so early there is really nothing you or any doctor can do to stop what is happening. Even though I was spotting my ultra sound showed a little flutter of heart beat so I was told everything was ok and just take it easy. The spotting went off and on for a few more weeks but I just kept telling myself everything was fine. At my 10 week appointment we were expecting to hear the heart beat for the first time. Phil was out in the waiting room and the tech starts with me to do the preliminary work and measuring the baby and then dad gets called in to see the baby. My tech was really quiet and I asked when my husband could come in. She said that he couldn't come in today and that the doctor would call me to discuss the ultra sound. Well right then I knew this was not good. I know that the tech is not allowed to tell me there is no heart beat, and as angry as I was I know it's a horrible position for them to be in as well. I went back to work for the afternoon and just prayed that there was a mistake and the baby was fine. When I got home I saw it all over Phil's face. Our family doctor had called and confirmed that there was no heartbeat, our baby was dead.
I think we both cried all night. I called in sick to work the next day and went to see the doctor to find out what happens next. I didn't want a procedure, I wanted my body to do this on it's own. That's the other part of this that is horrible to experience. We grieved finding out there was no heartbeat but then I still had to go through the physical aspect of it. I went back to work for the rest of the week and I was just waiting, and praying it wouldn't happen while I was at work. Over the weekend the physical part of the miscarriage started. It's devastating and extremely painful. I went to work the next day and went on with life, told no one.
For months I cried everyday over this loss. I never felt the baby move yet, yes it was early in the pregnancy but it is still a death and a loss and we need to grieve that loss. I felt like a failure, why did my body fail me? What if I can't have a baby? Not talking to anyone or telling anyone was a mistake. I grieved silently and to myself and it's such a lonely feeling. Of course I talked to my husband but they handle this very differently than we do. We have the physical connection that they don't have. They grieve but then they are ready to move on and try again, I think that is harder for women to just pick up and move on.
6 months later I found out I was pregnant again. We were excited but cautious. A week later I was spotting again I went to the doctor for a blood test and my hormones were very low which meant the pregnancy was gone. I was very early in the pregnancy so the physical aspect of the miscarriage was not painful. I didn't take this miscarriage as hard because I had literally only found out the week before so I was not as invested yet, I was still grieving the first baby.
After the second miscarriage we stopped trying to get pregnant to take some stress off. And what happens when you do that....you get pregnant again! Just a couple months after the second miscarriage I was pregnant again. There is always excitement but I was literally on pins and needles all the time. Every doctors appointment I was given an ultra sound because of my history and I would hold my breath to hear if the baby was ok. Weeks went on and everything kept going well. I was never sick which always made me wonder if I was ok, but I was just blessed with no morning sickness (I made up for it when I was pregnant with Melody, sick for months!) On November 10, 2011, after a crazy delivery, our beautiful Mia was born. Less than 2 years later, August 1, 2013 Melody was born.
I still think about those 2 babies we lost all the time. What would they have looked like, who would they have grown up to be? Phil gave me a family ring with all our birth stones in it and there are 2 clear stones to represent the babies we lost. It's ok to grieve, it's ok not to just move on and forget. Those are still our babies, they are our angels, and they will always be a part of our family.
This is just my story and my experience, but I know there are lots of women out there who need to know they are not alone. And I encourage you to open up and talk about it if you have been through it, it not only helps you but it could also help someone else in the process.
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